It says three weeks since my last entry. 
Three weeks ... I can't tell if that's the right amount of time for such a huge transformation.
At least it feels huge to me. It begins to feel better sized, accomodable. Not as difficult to deal with as it did before. 
He makes it seem less important, which is nice. I know it must sound horrible but for me it ( Read more... )

After ruining my sincere gentle admission

I took my hand away from his chest

and curled it next to where

all the words stem

He turned away from me then and said things

like "I don't know why" and so forth

my hmms and huhs settled doubtfully

in the space and he heard it

He was quite I was mad

the moment seemed ruined

by the ( Read more... )

The night is outside and it is loud...                                                                      
I've given up on the promise of dreaming                                                         
my bed sheets are so dirty 
with sweat and sex sweat and bodily fluids                                                   
it makes my skin feel ( Read more... )

I should be working. I should be I'm so frazzled frazzled frazzled frazzled. I want to reach out. I want a cigarette. forgot them at Al's yesterday. I should be working. Instead I'm looking for more secrets and re-reading my fathers suicide letter. I'm going to write it here because maybe one day it will be lost. I don't know why I hold on to it. ( Read more... )

right now I feel like I'm missing something. People. I miss Alanna right now, though I could call her I won't. I'm funny like that. Yesterday I came home odd and I stayed that way. This morning I dreamed I was in a large open jail with men and women and children. We were all criminals and I was pregnant. All the world is a jail for me I suppose ( Read more... )

She said "so part of that dream I told you about earlier, you know with Harry, the other part that I remembered had you in it. It was weird." "oh yeah"

"so it was like, I don't even want to really tell you. I suppose I gotta now" "yep too late" "yeah so I was leaning against this thing sort of like a garage door or something and you where facing ( Read more... )

I dreamt this morning that a pretty half mexican boy

crawled through my room

through a hole that had not been

there before

I took my hand and pulled me along

to the underground where we danced

at a party filled with neon lights

and lightly dressed people

We sat on a makeshift bed cushion

and talked nicely about things

I can't remember now

( Read more... )

He's not coming for new years because his mother dropped some tears
I'm disappointed not sad I'm sad for another reason
Sometimes I don't know what I'm getting from this 
"There's got to be something in it for me"
Wade says and everyone scoffs 
but I agree, otherwise isn't it an unhealthy relationship
Sometimes I get it, and him and it feels good
I'm not ( Read more... )

Merry christmas...

Last night I got high and dressed the tree with my brother. If it hadn't been for the weed I would've killed, murdered, tortured my mother like she was torturing me. She gets so mean during the holidays. Like an evil tyrant she orders people around with wild wants and makes allegations such as we aren't helping, that we don't ( Read more... )

I'm home and I can't sleep here. The second night in a row I toss on my old bed. The mettle frame still creaks and my thoughts run like circles. I wonder if its the position. Some sort of messed up feng shui. My bed lies along the river, maybe that's the cause of all this unrest.
This morning I dreamt that everyone hated me. It was a an anxiety ( Read more... )